The Belief To Be Separate Is A Lesson In Love We Give Ourselves
This is part of a series presenting the reframing of the belief that we are separate as a lesson in the love we give ourselves. When the belief in separation arises, it is not a cause for shame, guilt, or remorse—it is an opportunity to understand love even more. In the language of Buddhism - it is an opportunity to turn poison into medicine. Although the initial revelation of non-duality can be highly impactful after a life of suffering, it is nevertheless the case that the real challenge is to continue to apply this understanding in the entire course of our lives, steadily dissolving all the remaining pockets of separateness in our life. Indestructible wholeness lies in this life-long commitment.
In this article, we consider how this may apply to human relationships.
Much of the suffering at the core of relationships is the romantic dream we have of happiness centred on a person who is the object of our desire. We fall in love with the dream of the person who we believe is our perfect playmate, only to find that the dream is not matched by reality. This kind of love is always unrequited and does not satisfy our desire for happiness.
As we inquire into the reality of the 'I' that is not satisfied, we find no evidence of such an 'I', and remarkably, we are not a separate self in love with another separate self. We are this conscious reality in love with ourselves, taking the form of two body-minds that resonate physically and psychologically in a relationship.
Even if the other body-mind does not understand this, they can still benefit from this understanding. With this understanding present in at least one of the body-minds, there will be a 50% less chance of psychological attachment to an imaginary person, which puts pressure on the relationship. Where the understanding is present in both body-minds, there will be a 100% chance that neither body-mind will behave with psychological attachment to people as they see through the illusion, which relieves unnecessary psychological pressure on the relationship.
Then, free of this psychological dependency on a person who does not exist, there is space for the natural flow of mutual needs between the body-minds to occur with less interference. This is based on a realistic assessment of these needs and a mutual respect for them, which becomes the basis of a harmonious relationship between the body-minds.
We find all too often that the cause of relationship breakdown is the failure to understand and respect needs between the body-minds because their respective psychological attachment to a person, believing they are one also, is distorting this natural flow. This psychological attachment may have led them to form a relationship in the first place which was, from the start, never going to satisfy the respective needs of the body-minds involved, which ends in acrimony as each party blames the other for letting them down.
In the end, the flow of needs in body-minds may change over time, and these changes may bring about a natural end of the relationship, which will be easier to navigate when the understanding that there are no people is present and our safety is not dependent on this illusion.
Quite naturally, where the belief in people is not present in the body-minds in a relationship, there will be a lot more trust in the flow of life to solve problems, a willingness to forgive and forget and move on and not dwell on past mistakes, an openness to exploring creativity and play to allow enthusiasm to flow, and a patient compassion towards the inner healing of past psychological problems which are intelligently recognised and acknowledged rather than hidden. A willingness to not just be aware of but to cherish the needs of each body-mind and ensure they are fully expressed.
Likely, a relationship between the two body-minds that are both aware they are the same consciousness will be so much freer and able to enjoy the relationship as an expression of love rather than the pressure of the illusion of making another person the source of love.
Love,
Freyja